Watching this video hurts…..we’ve all been there.
We’ve all been there. And most of us have embodied all kinds of various reactions after our team loses a big game. Depression, anger, hostility, utter disbelief – a full range of emotions flood through your body as you stare in disbelief while the other team and its fans celebrate. There’s really no worse feeling in the world. Maybe when your dog dies…..maybe. But that’s even pushing it. The fine folks at Grantland just released a piece that brilliantly sums up these varying feelings as your team comes up short in the big game. In their eyes, there are precisely 20 different types of depressed sports fans. I can attest to seeing (or at one time or another, being) each and every last one of them while watching a Louisville basketball game. The notorious wall-puncher, the weirdo that decides to take a mid-game stroll down the block so as to not disturb a comeback, the “I knew it” guy, the pessimist, the “how” guy, the “why” guy, the single f-bomb guy, etc, etc. Just like you, I’ve seen em’ all.
1. The Fan Who Punches a Wall
This guy (and it’s almost certainly going to be a guy) reacts to a devastating loss with physical violence. Usually that comes in the form of a wall-punch, though occasionally he’ll mix in a double-palmed coffee table slam or a pulverized remote control. This will be followed by an uncomfortable silence as everyone slowly inches away from him. Eventually, somebody may try to break the tension by offering him a drink or complimenting his Ed Hardy shirt.
Your level of amusement with this fan’s antics will be directly correlated to whether you’re watching the game at his house or yours.
2. The Single F-Bomb Fan
This fan is a traditionalist. He or she responds to every negative twist and turn with a single f-bomb, followed by a brooding silence. Simple. Timeless. Almost, dare we say, elegant.
This fan actually comes in two sub-varieties: The short f-bomb, or the drawn-out f-bomb. The former gets bonus points for volume, while the latter is aiming for endurance.
16. The Fan Who Suddenly Has to go for a Walk
This fan responds to adversity by removing himself from the situation. Sometimes, this will be accompanied by a hurried explanation. Often, he’ll just quietly get up and leave. You may or may not ever see him again.
If you find yourself watching an important game with this fan and he announces that he’s leaving, let him go. Do not try to talk him into staying. There’s a reason he doesn’t trust himself to be around other human beings right now. You do not want to find out what that reason is.
17. The Fan Who Isn’t There Because He Only Watches Big Games at Home Alone
You won’t see this fan because he’s politely declined your invitation to watch the game with a group. He takes sports more seriously than friendship or camaraderie or even basic human interaction, which is to say that he has his priorities straight. (Side note: This fan’s absence also might be related to that one time that he was the Might Be Crying Fan.)
You may get a text message or two from this fan as the game goes on. More likely, you won’t. Once the game is over and the magnitude of the disaster has become clear, be a good friend and phone in a police wellness check.
18. The Non-Reaction Fan
This fan barely acknowledges what’s just happened. In fact, you have to study him carefully to find any reaction at all. He might slump slightly, or offer a subtle head shake. There’s a slim chance that he might mumble something indecipherable under his breath.
But that’s it. Whatever chaos is unfolding around him, he won’t acknowledge it. If you didn’t know any better, you’d almost think he was at peace with what he’d just seen. There’s a sense of serenity to him, like a still pond on a windless morning.
Make no mistake: No fan is hurting worse than this one.