So last year I shared with you guys a few pretty awesome / fairly inappropriate last minute Halloween costumes for your kids and it seemed to go over pretty well. As such, I figured why not do it again? Only this time I wanted to amp up the inappropriateness and really showcase some of the most moronic and completely inexplicable images you’ll ever see. Then again this is America and people are just stupid by the law of averages. Anyway, if you’re a last-minute kind of guy (and really, if you have a penis, chances are you fit that description) and are still scrambling to find a solid costume for your child……..look no further.
1. Baby Bong Hit – Hmmmm. You know that moment when you run out of weed and you just stare at your paraphernalia and begin to salivate at the thought of one last monster toke? You know that moment when you’re jonezin’ so bad that you begin to hallucinate and see various objects in your kitchen and they turn into bongs, joints, or one-hitters? Yeah, me either. But, clearly, this Mom was starting to see things in her head and it apparently carried over to her child, whom she dressed up as a lit bowl. Personally I don’t see the problem with it.
2. Heil Hitler – Why do I have a gut feeling that lil’ baby Hitler hails from the swamps of Louisiana or the Ozark mountains of Arkansas? I’m guessing his parents aren’t taking him trick-or-treating in any neighborhoods north of the Mason-Dixon Line. David Duke would be proud. Also: Du hast/ Sie haben mir so gefehlt, Auf Wiedersehen/ Tschüß! (don’t try to Google that shit cause’ I just made it all up).
3. Pack o’ smokes – I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that little Ricky is dressed up as a pack of heaters or that he’s dressed up as a pack of Salem’s. I personally don’t smoke, but like most redblooded Americans, I dabbled at one point in my life and my recollection of Salem’s was that they tasted like a mixture of battery acid, 30-w engine oil, smoked paprika-infused butthole and mentos. And that’s actually the description of their cigarettes taken, verbatim, from the Salem website. Go ahead, look it up.
4. Osama Bin Suicide-Bombing White Kid – Because who among us hasn’t dreamed about dressing up as a terrorist and knocking on people’s doors in search of distilled sugars? I know I have. In fact, I actually have this exact same costume and tossed it on a few weeks ago in a dress-rehearsal of sorts. It’s funny, though, since it was the middle of September and because I’m 35 years old, it really didn’t have the same effect as I was thinking ahead of time. I actually ended up spending the night in the clink and ate strange bologna-like meats and pooped on the floor next to a homeless guy named Mitch. All in all, it was totally worth it.
5. Stripper Tiger Baby – You know what makes a great accessory for a whore? Apparently a baby. Now, we all know that strippers love their leopard print attire. Though most of us are stimulated by the basic reds, yellows and greens of the world, stripper DNA was created with a white trash twist that enables them to only see things in leopard, snakeskin or my personal favorite, semen-soaked blacklight.
6. Homeless Boy Wonder – This little guy is simply getting a headstart on his future life. When Mrs. James, Timmy’s kindergarten teacher, asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up, most kids offered up the usual answers: fireman, police officer, athlete, lawyer, doctor, etc. But not Timmy. Nope. He surprised everyone when he vowed to become a meth-addicted, delusional, government-assisted, trash can-living herpe on society. And, personally, I think he’s gonna do a bang-up job one day.
7. Ray Rice Junior – Where to even start. First, you’ve got the black-face, which always seems to go over very well these days. Then you have the fact that he’s dragging what appears to be an African-American doll (presumably Janay Rice) around by the hair. In all seriousness, if a kid came to your house dressed like this, what would you even say / do? I’m pretty sure I’d just sit there and stare with my mouth suspended open in disbelief. Then again, A-M-E-R-I-C-A.
8. Baby Mary Jane – More from the baby weed department here. And the best part about this one is, unlike the one above which was clearly homemade by the kid’s dope-fiend mother, this one appears to be manufactured by an official costume company. I mean, can’t you envision the kid’s parents sifting through the Halloween section of High Times until they stumble on this one and let out a loud, audible “THIS IS THE ONE!!”
9. Ariel the big-boobed baby mermaid – Without question, the best part of this picture is the fact that Dad is carrying around little Ariel’s tail. It adds that extra creepy factor to an already insanely creepy scenario. The big boobies are certainly eye-catching and I’m sure all the pedophiles in Clearwater, Florida were on high alert, but don’t sleep on the super hiked-up skirt which really gives it that certain je ne sais quoi.
10. Even Littler Lil’ Wayne and Mini Nikki Minaj – Wow. I’m not even gonna bash this one. In fact, I’m more impressed than anything else. Pretty bad-ass costumes all the way around and, I’m about 90% sure myself and the wife just found our outfits for tomorrow night’s “totally inappropriate all-adult we’re too old for this shit” Halloween party. Genuinely stoked.